BLANDEUR

Pillow Book Monday

In these whimsically stressful times, I want to start a cable channel called "Blandeur" (I salute poet Kay Ryan), where you can see milder versions of popular programs, like "Failed Hoarders", where people hoard stuff but just as it starts getting bad, they snap out of it and throw most of it away. Or a mildly horrifying dystopian teen movie in which, in order to remain part of the community, all adults must stand in line each evening to be hit in the groin by a dead-eyed blonde child with a Wiffle bat.

You turn to the channel and the logo, a stylized image of a flatline, and then a quiet voice clears its throat and announces:

"(not to intrude, but) Tonight on Blandeur—"

“Pawn Yawn”, a show about a pawn shop in which people bring in not rare artifacts with interesting histories, but old CRT monitors, jewelry stolen from their grandmother’s coffee can, old saxophones with no pedigree, and dulled buck knives.

"Binge Regret" Guy buys a bucket of KFC, eats one drumstick and realizes that he doesn't want any more. Puts bucket in the fridge, and next day decides cold, greasy chicken is too gross to eat. Throws it in the garbage and thinks about how much money he wasted. Watches Veep reruns while eating Cheerios. This totally didn’t happen to me over the weekend.

“Male Pattern Badass”, A Jackie Chan action movie but it’s in IKEA and he fights off bad guys with furniture pieces, but in the end he accidentally assembles an entire MALM bedroom set.

"I Thought It Would Be More Chartreuse" where couples get their paint mixed at Home Depot, paint their living rooms, and have to repaint when the color doesn't look the same as it did on the sample tile.

“How To Get Away With White Lies”: a behavioral expert teaches ordinary people how to lie about minor things convincingly in order to avoid drama. Episodes include Dads and Dresses, Wives and DIY, Al-Anon ledes, Coworkers and Offspring, Senators and the President.

“Friendship in a Small Town” follows four friends in town of around 30,000. They unironically shop at Goodwill, don't wear heels and tutus, have boring government jobs, and wouldn't dream of helping a friend remove a stuck diaphragm but knows the 800 number for diaphragm using advice.

“Survivor: Publish or Perish Edition” a spinoff of Survivor that takes place entirely during an extended faculty meeting of a university English department. People aren't voted out—they just leave for coffee or a bathroom break and don't come back, or quietly say they have to prepare for the next class except that is definitely not true.

"But You Have a Sweet Voice"—aging high school choir members compete for a chance to sing with the Baldknobbers in Branson, Missouri and release an 8-track for K-Tel.

“American Pickles” a couple of middle-aged guys cruise the US looking for deals on snack treats from their youth. They find Bulls-Eyes, Slo-Pokes, Sugar Babies, and those wintergreen flavored candy cigarettes that are lightly dusted with sugar so it looks like you blow smoke when you puff out; they agree that each on is tasty, but not quite the sensorial ecstasy they remembered from youth.

“The Real Housewives of Norridge IL”

“Comfort Diners”, in which our cast regularly eats out at chain places like Denny's, Buffalo Wild Wings, and Baker's Square. A Very Special Comfort Diners takes us to Red Lobster!

“Orange is the New Minimum Security Really Nice Prison with Tennis Courts and Good Food”

"Models with Problems" follows a group of beautiful British people who all live in Chelsea and can't seem to find a dogsitter so they are not sure whether they zip over to Paris for the weekend. Cliffhanger!

"Sliced!", a cooking show in which 5 chefs compete against each other, but when one of them makes a mediocre dish, the other 4 pitch in and help them make a new, better dish. Wait, that’s The Great British Baking Show, which is the very epitome of the Blandeur brand.

“Too Afraid to Ask”, in which there is no such thing as a stupid question, fielded by pundits, mostly out-of-work therapists hoping to drum up more clients on BetterHelp. “Whatever happened to the surname Hitler? Surely people must have it.”, “What’s up with condoms?", “Why do Western tourists dress so weirdly?”, “Explain to me like I’m a toddler what is going on in the Middle East”, “Why do you keep pronouncing it ‘nucular’, senator?” “Why are some countries allowed to have nucular weapons and other countries are not allowed to have nucular weapons?” “Do you Persian frogmen arriving on my beach need directions and gas money to Palm Beach?”, “Is it ever immoral to obey the law?” and suchwhat.

Blandeur

-By Kay Ryan

If it please God,

let less happen.

Even out Earth's

rondure, flatten

Eiger, blanden

the Grand Canyon….

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43501/blandeur

N.B. This is Pillow Book List #98. Two more and we will say goodbye to my Pillow Book. I have something planned, to replace it, however, and I’m workshopping the name for it: ONTOLOGICAL DOODADS, which, now that I think of it, would be an excellent show on the Blandeur Channel.